Me, a Christian Blogger?

I recently started up five or so blogs on blogger.com

Although I have good intentions, I'm not sure if this is a good thing. I am inspired by other Christian/Biblical based blogs on the internet, but I'm not sure that I have what it takes to launch my own ministry.

I think I have some good understanding of different things in the bible, but maybe not the whole book overall. People have said that although I might not be good as a youth leader :( I could be a great teacher or wonderful working with preschoolers (I'm assuming the ''teacher'' thing applies to all age groups *fingers crossed*. I've been told that I write good speeches, but I'm not the right person to deliver them. I'm good at giving advice. I care about seeing others get saved and love God.

Problems?

Well, first of, I consider myself non denominational. I'm definitely not a Catholic or a Jehovahs Witness, but to be honest, I can't choose a church that suits me- I believe there should only be one church. I know what I believe, but I'm not sure what group actually believes the same things? I believe that everything in the bible has value and that people should seek understanding EVEN IF its written in the Old Testament- if Jesus was constantly quoting from it, surely it has some significance? I believe that everything in the New Testament is important and you shouldn't leave anything out, or forget certain things, like Baptism, Spreading the Gospel, Fruits of the Holy Spirit, Spiritual Gifts, Tithing etc. I'm not sure what individual denominations stand for, although I believe that they all do some things really well and have shortcomings in other areas. Basically, I don't believe in a perfect church, until Jesus comes back. I don't even think its possible. I believe in a church with good intentions. I wouldn't want to go to a church that considered itself perfect or ''the best''. I would rather go to a church that frequently humbles itself and listens to its congregation when there are problems. Up until this point, I have been to Baptist and Pentecostal churches, but I can't really judge because I'm not sure what the other churches pride themselves on.

I have a habit of offending people. I know it says this is unavoidable in the bible, but I like being liked. I don't have much of a backbone in some areas. I often water down my beliefs when I'm talking to people because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or give them the wrong idea. I think its a mixed blessing, because as well as occasionally hurting someone, it makes me really examine what I believe and seek answers about why God has made such rules.

I have been a lost sheep for the last few years. I regularly indulge in sin without a second thought, I'm more interested in my plans than Gods and I don't really have a relationship with God. The idea of a spiritual world scares the living day light out of me, so I avoid anything of that nature. Sometimes I talk to the Holy Spirit in my head and as I pray, but I do this a lot less than I used to.

I have idols above God. I can't help it. I want a relationship. Last time I fell for a Christian guy, it did not go well, and I was upset about it for two years straight. I think this is where I started slipping, as well as living in a new country. I have had constant rejection in my life and I don't know how to handle it. It seems like there are a lot more men I would like to date that are non Christian, because the guys I have met or been interested in have either been with someone else or extremely idealistic and picky. Potential dates seem to care more about the way I look than my personality, which is not a good starting point for a relationship. It would be worse if I was slim and beautiful, because I might have actually fell into that trap. I guess men are visual creatures, and they don't like what they see. I also tend to idolize other things- Taylor Swift, Money, Food, Friendships, Success, Popularity etc. I feel sorry for God, because he doesn't get much attention from me at all these days.

I don't go to church that often. I've probably gone to church 6-10 times this year. I have set a goal to start going three times a month, so that's a start. I would like to eventually start going every week without fail. I have my reasons, but they aren't great. I'm currently going to a Baptist church, but I would like to start going to a Pentecostal church as well. The problem is, its in a student town that I feel self conscious about walking to, a big percentage of the people there wear fancy clothes, is up to date with pop culture and are a lot ''cooler'' than me. Also, there are a lot of social events and expectations with this church and I don't think I could keep up. I want church to be a big part of my life, but not the whole thing. I still want to have time for my friends and family, hobbies, fitness and pets.

I don't know what angle to write my blog from. Should it be an advice column with articles about things I understand? Should I write about my daily discoveries and struggles? Should I write a commentary on the Christian world? I just don't know. One of the things I'm worried about is stating anything as truth or fact, then leading impressionable minds astray. At the end of the day, most of the stuff I say may just be my opinion! I'm not sure if I want that on my shoulders.

I don't know if I can even present a testimony! I've written a few in the past, but they are now out of date. My experiences as a Christian have had their ups and downs. The last few years have been somewhat bitter for me. I don't think I could say anything that would encourage anyone to become a Christian. I have been very depressed, lonely and confused for a long time. What kind of testimonial is that? I want to inspire people, not drag them down! I'm sure there must be other people in the same boat as me. God will probably understand if I wait a few months/years to write a new testimony. If I write a good one, I want it to be honest. I believe that Christianity and God is a good thing. I just don't feel like its done me much good in the last few years. Its probably because I've pulled back and haven't met my side of the bargain with praying and seeking God and all that, but still, they aren't experiences I wish to share. Maybe, in a few years everything will come together and I'll see Gods hand in all of this. I've seen God do beautiful things in my friends lives. Maybe I could talk about that?

Short Term Hiatus

Hey

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous post, but I'm guessing not. We moved house recently and have been having trouble getting internet. At the moment, we're using a dongle (? is that what their called? weird name, haha!) with 2 gigabyte on it, which is not a lot, when you consider the kinds of things my family does on the pinternet. I'm a big fan of pinterest and can spend hours on a time on it, so you can imagine how much internet space THAT uses.

So anyway, we only have internet access from one computer, and I'm somewhat secretive about my blogs. I'm 22, but my family does not approve a lot of the things I share. The fact that I have a diagnosis of Bipolar II does not help, they assume that if I do something they disagree with, its because of my ''illness.'' I don't buy into that at all, I'm my own person with my own thoughts, preferences, ideas etc. I don't like everything I do being blamed on this one thing. I also dislike being treated like a 15 year old when everyone seems to post much worse things on their Facebook these days.

Being me, I still haven't made my actual point. We have had guests for the last few days, and since we only have one computer, I can only write from the lounge, where people are constantly walking in and out of. My dad doesn't have a problem with my blogs, but my mum and sisters do. The kinds of things I wrote when I was younger was a lot more personal because of the kind of problems I was having, and I must have left the browser open a few times, because they knew exactly what was going on. More recently, my sister has been reading some of my blogs and enjoying them, but when she comes across something she disagrees with or finds newsworthy in some way, she goes straight to my parents. Its not nice being tattled on when you're in your 20's.

I don't want any of these blogs to be a source of argument in my family. I'm actually hoping that some day I can share these with my family, friends, work mates, school friends etc, without worrying that I have written something that I would come to regret. That time has not come yet. I guess I need to gain some sort of credibility first.

In the past, I have used my blogs to sling dirt at people I'm angry with (not necessarily naming names or anything) or to talk about controversial things. I don't think that's a good way to make a name for yourself online, so I'm going to try not to talk about anything negative on here, unless it can help someone in some way. I could talk about people I know on here, but the only person I can really represent is myself, so I'll let others tell their own stories, if and when they feel the need. As a result, my blogs may seem self centered, but its more a case of not wanting to step on any toes. I have a reputation for being a negative person, complaining a lot, being somewhat of a perfectionist and being irritable so I'm going to try and go in a different direction with this.

If you don't like this whole ''me me me'' business, you probably won't enjoy reading this blog. I apologize for that. I wish I could share more, but I really need others permission first. With this new insight, I cringe reading auto biographies, because the way some of the authors describe people in their lives is sometimes so awful and personal- maybe those people are anonymous to a stranger reading a book, but to anyone picking up a book to support a local figure/friend/classmate/workmate etc, you can quickly work out who the real people is. I don't think its worth hurting other people to share your story.

So in conclusion, I probably won't be writing in this blog regularly for a few days. We are supposed to be getting internet on Wednesday or Thursday, so if that works out, I can blog from the comfort of my bedroom and with privacy (yay!). Until then, anything I blog will have to be done when everyone else is taking a nap.