Me, a Christian Blogger?

I recently started up five or so blogs on blogger.com

Although I have good intentions, I'm not sure if this is a good thing. I am inspired by other Christian/Biblical based blogs on the internet, but I'm not sure that I have what it takes to launch my own ministry.

I think I have some good understanding of different things in the bible, but maybe not the whole book overall. People have said that although I might not be good as a youth leader :( I could be a great teacher or wonderful working with preschoolers (I'm assuming the ''teacher'' thing applies to all age groups *fingers crossed*. I've been told that I write good speeches, but I'm not the right person to deliver them. I'm good at giving advice. I care about seeing others get saved and love God.

Problems?

Well, first of, I consider myself non denominational. I'm definitely not a Catholic or a Jehovahs Witness, but to be honest, I can't choose a church that suits me- I believe there should only be one church. I know what I believe, but I'm not sure what group actually believes the same things? I believe that everything in the bible has value and that people should seek understanding EVEN IF its written in the Old Testament- if Jesus was constantly quoting from it, surely it has some significance? I believe that everything in the New Testament is important and you shouldn't leave anything out, or forget certain things, like Baptism, Spreading the Gospel, Fruits of the Holy Spirit, Spiritual Gifts, Tithing etc. I'm not sure what individual denominations stand for, although I believe that they all do some things really well and have shortcomings in other areas. Basically, I don't believe in a perfect church, until Jesus comes back. I don't even think its possible. I believe in a church with good intentions. I wouldn't want to go to a church that considered itself perfect or ''the best''. I would rather go to a church that frequently humbles itself and listens to its congregation when there are problems. Up until this point, I have been to Baptist and Pentecostal churches, but I can't really judge because I'm not sure what the other churches pride themselves on.

I have a habit of offending people. I know it says this is unavoidable in the bible, but I like being liked. I don't have much of a backbone in some areas. I often water down my beliefs when I'm talking to people because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or give them the wrong idea. I think its a mixed blessing, because as well as occasionally hurting someone, it makes me really examine what I believe and seek answers about why God has made such rules.

I have been a lost sheep for the last few years. I regularly indulge in sin without a second thought, I'm more interested in my plans than Gods and I don't really have a relationship with God. The idea of a spiritual world scares the living day light out of me, so I avoid anything of that nature. Sometimes I talk to the Holy Spirit in my head and as I pray, but I do this a lot less than I used to.

I have idols above God. I can't help it. I want a relationship. Last time I fell for a Christian guy, it did not go well, and I was upset about it for two years straight. I think this is where I started slipping, as well as living in a new country. I have had constant rejection in my life and I don't know how to handle it. It seems like there are a lot more men I would like to date that are non Christian, because the guys I have met or been interested in have either been with someone else or extremely idealistic and picky. Potential dates seem to care more about the way I look than my personality, which is not a good starting point for a relationship. It would be worse if I was slim and beautiful, because I might have actually fell into that trap. I guess men are visual creatures, and they don't like what they see. I also tend to idolize other things- Taylor Swift, Money, Food, Friendships, Success, Popularity etc. I feel sorry for God, because he doesn't get much attention from me at all these days.

I don't go to church that often. I've probably gone to church 6-10 times this year. I have set a goal to start going three times a month, so that's a start. I would like to eventually start going every week without fail. I have my reasons, but they aren't great. I'm currently going to a Baptist church, but I would like to start going to a Pentecostal church as well. The problem is, its in a student town that I feel self conscious about walking to, a big percentage of the people there wear fancy clothes, is up to date with pop culture and are a lot ''cooler'' than me. Also, there are a lot of social events and expectations with this church and I don't think I could keep up. I want church to be a big part of my life, but not the whole thing. I still want to have time for my friends and family, hobbies, fitness and pets.

I don't know what angle to write my blog from. Should it be an advice column with articles about things I understand? Should I write about my daily discoveries and struggles? Should I write a commentary on the Christian world? I just don't know. One of the things I'm worried about is stating anything as truth or fact, then leading impressionable minds astray. At the end of the day, most of the stuff I say may just be my opinion! I'm not sure if I want that on my shoulders.

I don't know if I can even present a testimony! I've written a few in the past, but they are now out of date. My experiences as a Christian have had their ups and downs. The last few years have been somewhat bitter for me. I don't think I could say anything that would encourage anyone to become a Christian. I have been very depressed, lonely and confused for a long time. What kind of testimonial is that? I want to inspire people, not drag them down! I'm sure there must be other people in the same boat as me. God will probably understand if I wait a few months/years to write a new testimony. If I write a good one, I want it to be honest. I believe that Christianity and God is a good thing. I just don't feel like its done me much good in the last few years. Its probably because I've pulled back and haven't met my side of the bargain with praying and seeking God and all that, but still, they aren't experiences I wish to share. Maybe, in a few years everything will come together and I'll see Gods hand in all of this. I've seen God do beautiful things in my friends lives. Maybe I could talk about that?

My Goals for July 2012

Wow, the month is disappearing on us! I can't believe we're twelve days in already, craziness!

I didn't realize this until recently, but I am a total control freak. The problem with goals and timelines, is that you often have to rely on other people or circumstances for things to happen. You are never really completely in control of your life. To some people, this might sound like a loser mentality, but I've learnt that unless you are absolutely determined for something to happen, and you want it no matter what the consequences are, its easier and more rewarding to go with the flow. We can make all the plans we want, but life finds a way of getting in the way.

If you had asked me what I would be doing five years ago, I would have said that I was doing a one year childcare course, getting shipped off to the USA for two years to nanny and explore the destination of my dreams then settling back in New Zealand to go to University and train as a primary school teacher (?).
Instead, I got five months into my childcare course, found out that I was no longer eligible to nanny to a better paying family with the course I was doing, dropped out and moved to England! Due to chronic illness, I haven't worked or studied since then, and I don't know when those things will happen for me. Around me, friends are graduating, continuing into masters programs, getting their first real jobs and getting engaged- those things were always going to happen, but my life ended up being a little less predictable than I had expected.

What would I like in the next five years?
-To get married
-To finish University
-Be well established and respected in my church
-Get paid to take photos
-Figure out what my darn ennegram type and wings are
-Have some idea of what I'm doing with my life.
-Be better travelled than I am now
-Have a Border Collie called Jess
-Know GOD's plan for me
-Be slim and fit

Those are some things I would like, but they certainly aren't expectations. I don't have a solid plan for right now. I've found that planning things for a year in advance is a total disaster for me. I need to focus on every day, week and month first and build the little goals into bigger ones.

My expectations for the next five years?
-Put on even more weight
-Develop a deep hatred for trains (you would understand if you followed me on Facebook!)
-Read lots of books
-Go back to using a windows based computer, I can't believe how frustrating Apple is!
-Decide real pets are too expensive and adopt a rock instead
-Know God a little better
-Have even more embarrassing experiences with men
-Start babysitting again, because no one else wants to give me a job

Ok, so realistically, I don't have any real expectations. I have no idea what the future holds for me, at the moment things look really bleak. I don't know if I should join some work program overseas, become a nun or start University so instead, I do nothing. The future scares me. I can deal with tomorrow or the next week or so.

So anywaaaayyy... (I told you I was long winded... you only have yourself to blame!)

My goals for July 2012
(x) Contact recommended work agencies
(x) Take 43 Things Personality Quiz
(x) Create New and Private photo bucket account
(x) Sign up for Animates membership (NZ pet shop)
() Make more notes on the road code
() Get job
() Print off directions to common destinations where I live off google maps (I just got a car, woo!)
() Sort photos
() Upload photos to photobucket and snapfish
() Start using flickr everyday
() Take photos everyday
() Clean up computer
(x) Start using blogs again
(x) Sort wardrobe space
() Back up all photos and old files up until July 2012 onto a cd
() Empty computer
() Read the last few Anne of Green Gables books
() Go through Giveways and Double Roundabouts with someone
() Find DIY mirrored vanity table with lights around edges
(x) Memorise new phone number and address
() Get down to 106 kilos
() Go bowling
(x) Buy work clothes (I have one set)
(x) Get hair cut and dyed
() Take photos of house
() Delete my tumblr and twitter accounts

A lot of these goals have been impossible because of lack of time with people, lack of funds and lack of internet. Oh and lack of self control. Why must I love fatty foods and chocolate so much?

Or I'm like, yeah, I could do that, but I don't feel like getting off my butt and putting some effort into something or asking someone for a favour. I am probably one of the most laziest people you could ever meet. At least I have a rich fantasy life. I just wish it existed outside of my head and imagination.